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Natasha Neagle | Author

This query looks at an erotic romance and asks what details are important in a query and what can be left out. Disclaimer I am not an agent or an editor. I do not have a college degree that makes me an expert. I am simply sharing my thoughts on the query below as a fresh set of eyes. The author is not obligated to use any of my suggestions. Submitted Query: Seraphina Worth lives in a bubble of her own design. At twenty-one she is an assistant event planner. She may be confident on the outside but when it comes to love she lacks self-esteem. How could she be self-confident when her own mother- (delete hyphen) calls her hideous? (I think you could combine your intro to tighten it: At twenty-one, Seraphina Worth is an assistant event planner living in a bubble of her own design. It would be nice if you could reword this to show that she's awesomesauce with work, but totally lacking in her personal life.) On a rare night out with her sister, Seraphina meets, Gabriel Alexander, a handsome man with chiseled features and an intensity that intrigues Seraphina's usual shy nature. She is a natural submissive although she doesn't know it yet, and is drawn to his powerful magnetism. (Unless this novel is told from Gabriel's perspective as well, I wouldn't include this detail. Doesn't really feel like it fits.) Over coffee and after a bit of flirtation. (This sentence disrupts the flow to me and feels incomplete.) When she reveals she is a virgin, (now that's an awkward conversation to have over coffee and a detail I'm not sure needs to be included). Gabriel steps aside, and she is left thinking the worst. That her mother was right. (I feel like you are giving us the wrong details here and could combine some of the details from this paragraph with the paragraph above.) Gabriel hires her to plan his event, (What kind of event? - the devil is in the details as they say) and tries to rekindle the sparks from that first night, revealing his desire to have her as his submissive. Shoc

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